One of my favorite songs is called “Brokenness Aside”. It’s a Christian song by the band All the Sons and Daughters. When I first heard it, I was in church and feeling the discomfort that comes with hearing a song for the first time that you’re trying to sing. Add onto that discomfort the awkwardness that comes with the first time a congregation sings a new song and it is pretty hard to like the song. The words were different than a lot of praise music. It felt more personal, something my Presbyterian upbringing found uncomfortable. I wasn’t sure I liked it. In fact, I hoped we wouldn’t sing it again.
Later that week, I had an epiphany about grace. I had grown up with the teaching of grace, but my depression put me in the seat of feeling completely worthless, completely broken. All the new teachings I had been learning at my new church about having value and the way God sees his children did not line up with brokenness, my brokenness. I loved learning about how God sings over his children, listening to songs like “You Say” by Lauren Daigle, and picturing a God that was more than just the harsh one of my childhood. But I didn’t know how to reconcile these two things.
I talked to my counselor and in walked the idea of grace. I learned at my new church that grace is defined as unmerited favor. Evangelicals, Christians, are very good at saying the words “there’s grace for that,” but never actually extending Grace. Humans like rules, and religion falls into the legalistic trap for a reason.
In those months, at that moment, I was experiencing my dark night of the soul. I was facing my own emotional, mental, and physical limitations, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like feeling broken. Depression does that, brings you to your knees to your limits. It steals your energy and your hope. All the striving I normally do was just too much. I think I was experiencing true grace for the first time. The song, “Brokenness Aside” came alive for me. The singer asks for grace and love and all she knows how to do is cry. The words suddenly felt personal and spoke directly to me.
I felt free and a new depth of understanding. It resulted in a much-needed endorphin high. I’ll never forget the feeling of playing it on repeat on my way to the volunteer gig I was doing that summer, smiling from ear to ear. The song has the following line: “you take brokenness aside and make it beautiful.” I felt that to my soul and through my core. That I could be beautiful even in the brokenness.
I’m not sure what that means for me now, but I feel the brokenness deep within my bones. I miss Emily. I still can’t believe she’s gone most days. I’m exhausted from some personal relationships and learning about boundaries. I’m tired of hurting and I’m tired of seeing my friends hurting. This season has contained so many setbacks, disappointment, loss, and so much brokenness. I don’t know how this can be redeemed. I don’t know what taking brokenness aside means right now. But I’m holding on to that memory, and a tiny thread of hope, that somehow, someday that line will feel true again.
Denver Hiking Thoughts:
All of the pictures from this post are from Panorama point trail in Colorado. The trail didn’t quite live up to it’s name (there was no panoramic view at the top); however, this is what I had always pictured Colorado to be: fresh air, evergreens, and snow topped mountains in the distance.
The timing of the trip was based on a brief window that my Spring breaks for schooling and working at a school overlapped. I hadn’t entirely thought through the whole snow thing and started reading reviews for hikes talking about needing spikes for the ice this time of year. It was a short trip, and we weren’t really up for a snow spike needing hikes. I was super grateful to find this trail that had a bit of ice, but but nothing too scary. Reading AllTrails’ comments and looking at the date they were left is supper helpful. Especially in places with lots of hikers there’s usually good information about trail conditions! (Also reading the comments helps me know if a trail rated “easy” is actually easy, or easy for a native denverite who spends all their spare time scaling mountains.)
It was beautiful, chilly, and sunny out. The perfect weather for a hike and for an apprearance of flat Katherine 2.0.
Well that’s all for know folks, love ya bye!
My Life in A Variety of Places 